Well, a month has passed, and I've not been good so far about writing. I find that I have had so many conflicting and confusing emotions about this whole process that I've tended to avoid writing, as writing involves thinking and feeling, which seems like a dangerous proposition at times. But I want to be a thinker, a feeler, a writer... and I want to heal, which for me will involve gritting my teeth and being all of those things.
Some snapshots of my first month home... job searching... a 32-mile 4th of July bike ride with my parents... late night walks to Collins Park or to my old elementary school to sit and think... job searching... playing tennis (and getting ready for a tournament later this month - I signed up for it to make me get out and play in preparation)... reconnecting with old high school friends - Luke, Doug, Brett, Shannon, and others who just hadn't been a part of my life for quite a while... going out to bars with said high school friends and getting to know the part of Topeka that I never did growing up... job searching... lining up two coffeehouse gigs at the Classic Bean (Aug. 29 and Oct. 17, if you're interested)... trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to play to fill 3 45-minute sets at those gigs... job searching... getting hired at Starbucks (I start tomorrow) and realizing just how little that's going to pay... hence, more job searching... working out details of the divorce with Sarah... driving to Lawrence and/or Kansas City to see good friends who live in those areas... job searching...
I'm torn between the deep ache of incredible loss and the somewhat dim but dawning excitement of new beginnings. As I wrote a month ago, I need to figure out who I am post-marriage, post-(for now)-church ministry... and that's going to be quite a long process, I'm finding. And it may involve some trips down identity-finding trails that lead nowhere or to hurtful places. But I feel like I'm having more honest (if less frequent) conversations with God about the whole thing, and that feels good. It's so weird when you realize that even though you were never really trying to be dishonest with God or yourself or others... you were. So here's to discovering honest living, in all of it's messiness.
Monday, July 14, 2008
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Hi Mike,
ReplyDeleteA friend recently introduced me to your music and I was searching for more information about your album "Far Away" when I stumbled across
this blog. I wish to sincerely thank you and Nathan for your talents and desires to produce such a wonderful album (although it was a while back).
I can say that your music has truly inspired me to deepen my relationship with God.
Seeing that it has almost been a year since you last wrote, I pray that you are finding your new self and living an honest life with God. I wish the best of luck to you and hope that you will continue to inspire others with your astonishing music ability.
Thank You once again for helping me renew my faith in God through your music,
Lauren
Ohh...
ReplyDeleteP.S. I also play tennis so I hope your tournament was fun and went well!