The next four days I'll be working (well, training) 7 am to 3 pm at Starbucks, and it's crazy how nice it feels to be able to look ahead at a schedule and responsibilities. Since April my days, for the most part, have been fairly unstructured, with plenty of things to be done (like FINDING A FREAKING JOB!) but no specific times I have to do them. Even if this job won't bring in nearly enough money, I think it will be really good for my mental health. And I get to drink free coffee, which is awesome...

But for now, I also have to get myself back on a normal schedule if I'm going to actually drag my butt out of bed to be there at 7, so off to bed I go.

One month later...

Well, a month has passed, and I've not been good so far about writing. I find that I have had so many conflicting and confusing emotions about this whole process that I've tended to avoid writing, as writing involves thinking and feeling, which seems like a dangerous proposition at times. But I want to be a thinker, a feeler, a writer... and I want to heal, which for me will involve gritting my teeth and being all of those things.

Some snapshots of my first month home... job searching... a 32-mile 4th of July bike ride with my parents... late night walks to Collins Park or to my old elementary school to sit and think... job searching... playing tennis (and getting ready for a tournament later this month - I signed up for it to make me get out and play in preparation)... reconnecting with old high school friends - Luke, Doug, Brett, Shannon, and others who just hadn't been a part of my life for quite a while... going out to bars with said high school friends and getting to know the part of Topeka that I never did growing up... job searching... lining up two coffeehouse gigs at the Classic Bean (Aug. 29 and Oct. 17, if you're interested)... trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to play to fill 3 45-minute sets at those gigs... job searching... getting hired at Starbucks (I start tomorrow) and realizing just how little that's going to pay... hence, more job searching... working out details of the divorce with Sarah... driving to Lawrence and/or Kansas City to see good friends who live in those areas... job searching...

I'm torn between the deep ache of incredible loss and the somewhat dim but dawning excitement of new beginnings. As I wrote a month ago, I need to figure out who I am post-marriage, post-(for now)-church ministry... and that's going to be quite a long process, I'm finding. And it may involve some trips down identity-finding trails that lead nowhere or to hurtful places. But I feel like I'm having more honest (if less frequent) conversations with God about the whole thing, and that feels good. It's so weird when you realize that even though you were never really trying to be dishonest with God or yourself or others... you were. So here's to discovering honest living, in all of it's messiness.

Starting again

In 24 hours I'm leaving California and starting over. At 28, I find myself moving back in with my parents, looking for a job, and with not much to my name. Pretty much like I was when I moved home after college. And yet not at all like when I moved home after college - then I was 22 and had very little to complain about in my life and everything to look forward to. At 28, I'm coming home as my 4-year marriage is ending and my first full-time ministry job has ended because of it. I'm coming home wounded and broken and more aware than I've ever been of my weakness and my sin.

So I'm starting over. I'm starting over in life, and I'm asking God to show me who I am as He sees me... apart from the roles I've had as a "pastor" and as a "husband"... who am I? One thing I know I need to be about is writing, so I'm also starting over (for the umpteenth time) on this blog, and committing to being regular with it. So for now I've got 24 more hours of wrapping up my life here, spending last time with the people who've been my support system and surrogate family out here, then I've got 3 days of driving (thankfully with one of those friends). I'm starting over.