I've been thinking about cynicism. If you describe someone as being cynical, it carries kind of a negative connotation. No one likes someone who's too cynical, right? I'm not so sure.

It seems like we as a culture exalt cynicism. Often the most cynical people come across as the most intelligent and, in many cases, the funniest people. If part of cynicism is acting like nothing is holy, then everything is fair game for picking apart with the wittiest criticisms you can devise. Somewhere in high school, I think, I started to learn that the cool people were the ones that didn't take anything too seriously and could instantly come up with a clever way to skewer anything or anyone that did take itself seriously. So I learned to be good at that. Sarcasm, cynicism - those aren't negative words; they're tools for survival in a postmodern culture in which nothing is certain, truth is relative, and anyone who believes in anything too strongly probably just hasn't considered the other side.

In some ways I'm ok with this... there are some institutions and people that take themselves way too seriously and need to be fed healthy doses of Jonathan Swiftian satire to break them out of their isolated and narrow world. Some sectors of the Church are among the foremost offenders.

But I'm also realizing that as I've allowed myself to become more cynical, I've lost a lot. A sense of the goodness of the world and, ultimately, of the goodness of God. Awe in mystery. I've seen in my life and the lives of friends how cynicism and sarcasm have tried to change our view of the concept of sin - from grieving a horribly sad reality that drives us farther away from the life-giving holiness of God to apathetically accepting less than is offered to us ("Yeah, that wasn't right, but oh well, I'm human.") And when we screw up there's even a bit of hidden joy at the fact that now we're a little less innocent, a little more worldly and wise - a little more cynical. I find myself sometimes unwilling or unable to take a strong stand about something because all I can do is hear how someone (or even I) would pick my position apart. I can see both sides of an issue so clearly that I can't accept either one.

I'm not the most cynical person in the world, so thank God (literally) that I still have some innocence, some awe, some ability to proclaim Truth as Truth, some grief for sin and joy in grace. But I find myself wanting to recover even more of those things, and praying that the world wouldn't exalt cynicism as "cool" quite so much. I find myself thinking of the end of the movie Dogma (ironically a perfect example of a cynical, sarcastic, irreverent movie that is absolutely hilarious) when Alanis Morisette (uh, cynical?) makes her appearance of God, and is asked "what's the meaning of life?" or something to that effect. She looks into the woman's eyes, smiling, then says "Meep!" and honks the woman's nose, and goes skipping away. Yeah, gimme some of that.

"Fiscal irresponsibility" or "Buying cool stuff"

I am up at 1:30 in the morning even though I have to work fairly early tomorrow because...

I bought a mandolin. It's really pretty. I've even learned how to play it some. I might take it to bed with me tonight. I've been spending quality time with it for the past couple hours, and I think we'll have a really wonderful relationship. I never thought I'd end up with a mandolin, but sometimes the magic happens and you just go with it. It will probably make several guest appearances on the album...

Should I be spending that kind of money? Probably not... Am I glad I did?

Yup.

I have returned. Aaron and Lindsay are married, and it was a beautiful thing. It really is such an honor to stand up at the front of a church with a good friend and support him in such an amazing time in his life. You get to watch their faces and once in a while catch their glances and give a quick wink. So cool.

And of course seeing so many of my close college friends is a rare experience that had me feeling all warm inside for the last few days. I have amazing friends, and I forgot how healing and filling it can be to sit around and laugh with people who know your good and bad. The reception last night - eating, drinking wine, dancing with whoever, talking, laughing... I could have done that all week.

I feel so much more full and whole than I did before the weekend. And I'm a little sad, too. I know it's cliche for a single person to get a little sad at a wedding, but on the drive home I found myself praying for a female to share life with. I know this is a perfectly normal and valid and even healthy prayer, but for some reason I always feel a bit selfish or needy or I think it means I don't love God enough if I'm really desiring that very much. And beyond being sad about that, I'm just reminded that I chose a path that is not the easiest in terms of my social/relational life. I moved away from my family and I moved away from all of my college friends. My friend Angel reminded me tonight that it's ok to let myself be sad about the loss I feel because of that. I know I'm in the right place, and I have wonderful people around me here, but I do miss out on some things that are worth mourning. I don't let myself feel that all the time... I start to feel it and don't want to deal with it, so I let myself get numb and busy and settle for cheaper subsitutes for those deep relationships and the ultimate relationship that those earthly relationships reflect for me - my relationship with the One who created me and saves and guides and loves me.

I'm off tomorrow to WI for the aforementioned wedding. Very seldom do I get to think, "I'm not going to do anything for the next 3 days but enjoy being around friends." Good times. Won't be writing till I get back. See ya...

Purple robes and wedding bells

My senior year of college I sang in the St. Olaf Choir. This choir was a large part of my decision to attend St. Olaf - its conductor, Anton Armstrong, had conducted an all-state choir I was in during high school, and I liked him, and the choir had a national reputation... it has a very storied niche in the history of choral singing in the US, and the St. Olaf Christmas Festival (which includes several of St. Olaf's choirs, plus the orchestra) airs on PBS every December (they tape it every 4 years, so the performance from my senior year will still be on for the next 2). Anyway, when I started at St. Olaf, I had plans to pursue a degree in Music Education and eventually direct a choir and do church ministry, too. I figured that I'd audition for the St. Olaf Choir at the end of my freshman year - the first time I'd be eligible.

But when the end of that first year came around, my plans were changing. I realized that I didn't really want to teach music, and church ministry would probably be the avenue I pursued. And music ministry for me would have more to do with guitars than choirs, so I decided to do just a General Music major and add English to the mix to develop my love of reading and writing. I also decided not to audition for the Choir that year... I wanted to possibly pursue an off-campus program at some point, and that wasn't compatible with being in the choir. So I sang in another (wonderful) choir my sophomore year, but didn't get to go off-campus, so I decided to do that my junior year, which meant that I wouldn't actually audition for the choir that helped draw me to the college until the end of my junior year - and I knew that there would be only two baritone spots open.

I was facing the prospect that I may never sing in that choir, and I was ok with that - my priorities were different, and wearing one of those purple robes my senior year would be nice, but it wouldn't be life-shattering if I didn't. I auditioned, was called back, and went in for the callback, with all of the returning members of the bass/baritone section and all of us who had been called back. I was suddenly pretty nervous. The main part of the callback involves being inserted into the line of returning members and singing the line "I sigh to sing" over and over while Dr. Armstrong listened for how your voice blended with the others. There were a few anxious moments as I tried to sing out but blend in and be noticed but not be noticed, and then there was a moment when I felt my voice click with the two surrounding me. I started to feel more confident and it became apparent that he was going to leave me in the line. When his back was turned, my good friend Aaron, a returning bass, started going nuts and making faces at me and pointing at me - and I about welled up with tears. To be a part of something so beautiful, and to do it with people like Aaron and my friend Nathan (he of Mike and Nathan's forthcoming worship cd!) was going to be a gift.

That year in the choir was amazing. Every day rehearsal was hard work, but also had moments of true worship - Dr. A wouldn't settle for us just singing - he preached to us until we responded with a musical Amen. I learned the joy of "leading worship" as a small but important cog in a great wheel. I learned about worshipping with text and music from different time periods, different languages, different ethnicities. I learned that God can use a group of people with varying levels of faith and morality to speak powerfully and beautifully truthful messages. I experienced the thrill of coming home from a long tour and singing for a packed church at a school that cheers more for its choir than its sports teams. I learned what it feels like to bathe in a sea of sound that comes solely from inside of human beings.

A year and a half later, I'm still pursuing music ministry that has more to do with guitars and amplified sound than it does with choirs. To be honest, I go for weeks at a time without thinking about the fact that this is the first year that I can remember that I haven't sung in a choir at all. It's not like I miss it a huge amount.

But next weekend Aaron's getting married, and along with being a groomsman, I'm also singing in a choir that's being thrown together with several ex-Ole Choir members and a few other people. One of the pieces we're singing is a Mendelssohn piece, the English version of which is For God Commanded Angels to Watch Over You - it's one that we sang my senior year. So this morning I pulled out the cd of our home concert after our tour, and listened to it/sang along with it on the drive up to Anderson. I had the best worship time that I've had in a long time - singing timeless truths about God expressed in breathtakingly beautiful artistry. This is certainly possible in modern worship music with guitars and drums and all that - in fact, I feel like that's a huge part of my mission... to create music for worship that is deep and rich and beautiful and true. But I think more often than I realize I need to be reminded of the depth and tradition that I come from. People have been creating beautiful music as an offering to God for centuries, and I'm lucky enough to have experienced a wide range of it. To forget that would be a huge loss.

Ah, good times. Last night was one of those nights that make you feel like you are a fully alive and participating member of the human race and you're happy about it. One of my best friends in the world, Adam, was here from Kansas, along with his girlfriend, Alyssa, who I hadn't met before and is a lot of fun. The three of us and one of my best friends here, Sarah, went to see a concert with two amazing performers. One was Counting Crows, who have been top on my list of "Bands I Need to See," and the other was John Mayer, who I've seen before and is a sickeningly talented writer/player/performer. There was a huge crowd at the outdoor ampitheater, probably the biggest I've ever been a part of for a concert. There's something cool about being part of such a big crowd and all experiencing the same event. (I can't imagine being one of the focal points of an event like that and playing music, but that's another story.) It just feels like you're small but you get to participate in something big, and you somehow bond with the thousands of other people there without ever meeting them. And in the midst of that huge crowd, hearing music that I've loved for a long time and new music that I'll probably love soon, I got to be with close friends, one of whom I hadn't seen since Christmas. I just don't get that opportunity often enough. Even though Adam and Alyssa were only here for a very short visit, Adam and I got to talk deeply a couple times, and both are really appreciative for our friendship.

And tonight I get to see another great group, Over the Rhine, with some friends from church. After everything that's been going on the last couple months for me, a weekend like this to slow down and enjoy life and people is so huge. When Counting Crows played "A Long December" as their encore (they must hate playing that song by now), I let myself be a little cheesy for a second and really grabbed ahold of the line "I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass."

New template... better? worse? whaddya think?

I'm seeing light at the end of the busyness tunnel. I got my schedule for next quarter at the business college (which starts late Sept.), and it looks a whole lot better than this quarter. I'm teaching mostly the same classes as this quarter, but with fewer keyboarding classes and adding a writing class, which will be nice. I'll only have night classes until 10 on Monday and Wednesday, and Tuesday and Thursday I'll be done by 5:30 or so. Friday we'll just have faculty meetings and prep time and stuff (no classes), so I'll be there from 8 to 2 or so. And what's even cooler - Monday through Thursday I won't start until noon or so. So I can have the mornings to do stuff at church or run errands or (!!!) sleep in. Much better.

Hopefully I'll be a little bit more balanced person then - not that I'm on the verge of collapse now. On the contrary, I'm feeling good, and this weekend I'm going to actually just do some fun things... my friend Adam and his girlfriend are coming up tonight, and tomorrow we're going to the Counting Crows/John Mayer concert. And Saturday I'm going with some church friends to see one of my new favorite groups, Over the Rhine. But anyway, it'll be nice to have some evenings at home and not have to drive back and forth between Indy and Anderson twice a day most days. Save some gas money, too.

If you haven't noticed, I now have a link to another site that will have info about my recording project with Nathan. I haven't put any real info up yet, but hopefully it will be something that can keep anyone who cares updated on our progress.

Another quick thought on selfishness... for 3 1/2 years I was dating someone seriously, and I had to learn a lot about giving and about trying not to be selfish. Sometimes I was good about it, sometimes I wasn't. But always I had someone in my life who held me accountable about that - if I was being selfish, I knew about it! Now that I've been single for a year and a half, I haven't had anyone that close to me to remind me to get over myself. I think experiences like today are all the more important because of that - I need to learn to sacrifice my life to God just because that's what God asks and that's how I'll ultimately be happiest, not to keep a relationship going.

Sometimes the most basic lessons need to be relearned the most often...

I woke up this morning and, for no apparent reason, realized that my focus has been a little skewed. Nothing horrible - I tend to make little events like this overdramatic, and act like I've been completely lost. But I realized this morning that my first and last thoughts every day, and most in between, have been about me. I wrote a line in one of my old songs (old, so don't judge!) that said, simply, "I get so tired of thinking about myself / I just won't believe there's nothing more to be had." But for the last few weeks (months? I don't know how long) I've started to forget that there's more to be had. I've had so much going on, and so much exciting stuff going on, that things about me and my life have harnessed most of my attention. But I've known the whole time that I wasn't where I wanted to be - as exciting as things have been, I've also been tired, a little empty, a little lonely, struggling with temptation, not feeling as connected to God in intimate ways. I've felt God's hand in my daily life, seen Him work in the world around me, but haven't been "calming and quieting my soul" to hear the life-giving "I love you"s. And I've felt guilty about all that. But most times guilt isn't enough to make me change.

So this morning when I woke up, maybe it wasn't so much that I realized my focus has been off - I knew that already, if only half-consciously. But what happened was more like this - when I woke up, something made me wait for 15 seconds before I jumped in to pursuing my needs (even pressing things like the bathroom!). I turned on some worship music - music that can easily be just music for me - and actually let it in and let my heart sing through it. And then as I got in the shower something made me think about how much of a relief it would be to not chase myself today. I've been thinking for weeks that I should pursue God and other people, but today I realized how nice it would be. To quit trying so hard, at least for today, and let the fact that the Son of God died and rose again because God loves me be enough to fulfill me.

And now I'm watching the students in the last class of my very long day take a test, and thinking about how today I've been exposed to people struggling with sickness, abusive boyfriends, poverty, and spiritual emptiness, and how God made my eyes just a little different today - how He gave me a peace and a strength that let me spend more time and energy helping those people today and less chasing my own happiness. And how at the end of the day I'm tired, but I'm smiling, and when people have asked how I am, I've been saying "Really good, actually." I want to spend some time listening to the voice of the One who created me - to His voice on the pages of the book that tells His story, and to His voice that whispers to me in the very deep of who I am. And I want that not because I know I should, but because it will be life-giving. And I didn't do anything to make this happen.


Song: Andrew Peterson - "The Chasing Song"

I'm pulling up my proverbial bootstraps and trying to attack this week with more zest than I'm feeling this morning... after recording this weekend and seeing the project seem to spring to life, I'm trying to remember that I'm excited about teaching and everything else that I'm doing, too. Writing and playing and singing and breathing music energizes me so much, but I'm glad that I have other things going on in my life, too - my music might suffer in some ways because I can't focus completely on it, but I also think it benefits from me being a more well-rounded person.

Anyway, this entry is me telling myself how much fun it's going to be to grade papers and figure mid-term grades and how fulfilling it is to see students grow and move forward. Ok, giddyup...