A quick little update and apology for those of you who have been checking this every day to see if anything new or exciting has appeared (that might be expecting a little much...). I just got back yesterday from Austin, Texas, where I was planning with some other people for a national American Baptist youth conference that I'm leading music for next summer. Some highlights of the trip:

1) Reconnecting with people from different parts of the country, different ethnicities, and different theological views who will all be working on this conference (I'm leading the music with an African-American rapper/pastor named JP and a Hispanic woman named Aprillis).
2) Trying and failing miserably to eat the full stack of pancakes I foolishly ordered for breakfast one morning (everything's bigger in Texas, you know)
3) Trying and succeeding to eat the 5-meat combo plate at the barbecue joint where we ate the last night.
4) Eating a lot.
5) Seeing Erin and Jennie, sisters who are friends from high school and from my home church, who both live near Austin.
6) Eating
7) Hearing "y'all" more times than ever in my life.
8) Eating and not having to pay for it.
8) The 5:45 AM flight back to Indy... wait, no, that sucked.

Now I'm trying to get several things done before I leave again tomorrow to go down to St. Louis and record for two days, then come back late Sat. night in time for church Sunday morning. One of these days I'll slow down and write something more than an update on here. Until then, well, I guess that's it!

Thanks to Brian for pointing this out to me...

Kansas really is flatter than a pancake

Or maybe no thanks to Brian... let the jokes about my home state commence...

After my evening class finished at 8 last night I went to church and practiced with my friend Sarah and some other musicians to get ready for Sarah's show on Friday night (8:00 at the House in Glendale Mall here in Indy - come if you can!). We went until midnight, which means I'm fighting through the sleepy fog today, but sometimes I forget how much fun playing live music can be. The recording project has been fun, amazing really, but it's a totally different kind of playing than playing live. And I play music every Sunday morning, but playing music for a worship service is a different kind of sensibility than just playing music. Anyway, I had a lot of fun playing with a talented group of musicians, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow night.

Today - classes, lunch, maybe a nap if I'm lucky, then more classes!

My commenting tool has been kinda unreliable, so I'm going to try a different one... if I get rid of the other one, though, I'll lose everything you all have written to me, and I don't want that... we'll see.

Had a great time hanging out with my friend Sarah last night - it made me realize how much I've missed spending time with people who really know me well. I'm really thankful for the people in my life that over time have gotten beneath the surface and who really love me, and who've let me get beneath their surface and love them.

I guess I don't have too much to say yet today (it's Monday and I'm tired), but just for no good reason I'll post a poem that I wrote a year and a half ago or so.

Love Songs Everywhere

You seem to hide
Between the swear words and
Singing of praise
Gliding effortlessly
From bar to cathedral
How do you encompass
E x t r e m e s
Without compromise

Love songs everywhere
Screams and moans and ballads and
Regrets – she cries hers
I sigh mine
You harmonize each (how?)
How does consonance reign
Over my discord
Bad grammar turn sonnet, woo me
Win my love before they do
If You’re too slow
See me leave, only to find
I’m chasing You again
Through delivery rooms and tombstones
Back alleys and Kansas fields

Life is good in St. Louis when...

You wake up in the morning, remember you locked your keys in your car the night before, think you're going to have to pay big money to a locksmith, and then a passing neighbor finds a key that opens the door.

Now if only he could do something about that ticket I got on the way here...

Until next time, I am...

Driving slowly through Illinois back to Hoosier country...

Mike

I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank the State of Illinois, and especially State Trooper Smith, for reminding me that I shouldn't hurry through life (or the State of Illinois), and for reinforcing that lesson by taking $75 from me. And then I'd like to publicly thank myself for locking my keys in my car tonight, for the 2nd time in two weeks, after never having done it my whole life.

Recording was fun, though...

Having said all of that, I'm going to leave here in a few minutes and go record my Christian worship album! I'm not saying scrap the whole system, because there are so many beautiful things about it... but try to put out good art, and material that's focused on the heart of who God is, and take joy in the music that's meant for helping us worship god, but write songs that a non-Christian can understand, too.

(If you can't tell, I'm preaching to myself as much as anyone else...)

I made the mistake this morning of killing a few minutes looking around in a Christian bookstore... now I want to be careful how I say this... I am glad that there is such a thing as a Christian bookstore. Much like the need for the Christian music industry, there is a need for a place where you know you can go to look for books, music, etc., that are designed to help you in your journey of faith.

That being said...

I found myself getting kinda mad... I noticed two major things that have begun to bother me about places like that. 1 - There's so much crap in there! Now I don't want to run down the legitmate work of some of the authors and musicians that have their material in a bookstore like that, but some of the stuff they sell is - no way around it - bad writing. Bad music. Sure, secular bookstores have crap, too, but I guarantee that much of the stuff in that Christian bookstore this morning would never - on the merits of quality alone - get published in the secular realm. But because it's "Christian," it's ok if it's not really that good. Do we as Christians really want mediocre (or worse) stuff feeding us? And a lot of the stuff in there was crap in a very different (and more disturbing) kind of way... so many of the books there (and the ones that are selling well!) seem to be nothing more than self-help books packaged with religious words. Now, we need books from a Christian perspective to help us improve our lives, but from looking at the majority of the books that were being displayed, you'd think that Christianity was all about improving yourself and your life and your family's life, and "unlocking the door to receiving God's blessings." It seems to me that following Jesus is not about self-improvement - the point is that we can't make ourselves good enough, and the grace of God is our only source of hope and salvation. That's what makes Jesus' message different from the world's message - so why are all those books only mirroring the world's message, but with God-language? The whole world just wants to get rich and be successful - is Christianity about seeking those things and calling them "God's blessings?" (Derek Webb: "and should I read between the lines / and look for blessings in disguise / To make me handsome, rich, and wise / Is that really what you want?)

Thing that bothered me #2 - Christianity as an insulated subculture. There is a sense in which we do need to be able to retreat to a safe, Christ-centered place to refocus and not have to worry about dealing with the rest of the world. But so many people live the vast majority of their lives in that safe, insulated place, where the language is clean and all of the rules are followed and you can put a good spin on anything by saying "Praise the Lord!" And so much of what we sell in a Christian bookstore reflects that subculture. Again, if that safety zone is a place you visit sometimes to refuel, great, but if it becomes an ingrown, self-serving entity, then I question whether it can accurately be called Christ-centered. Jesus spent most of his time mingling with the people who didn't follow the rules, whose language probably wasn't clean, and to whom the religious language has very little meaning. When the Christian subculture loses sight of that and spends most of its time producing mediocre music, art, and literature and asking God to make them rich, I think that the people who immerse themselves completely in it are not only missing chances to impact the world, but they're chasing after the wrong Christianity.

So, if you're a Christian, go to the Christian bookstore, but go to Borders, too... go to the Jars of Clay concert, but go see Linkin Park, too. Go to the Christian coffeeshop, but go to Starbucks (or even a [gasp!] bar!) too.

I had a nice experience last night... I've been worried all week because I needed to write a story to use in church this Sunday, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to settle in to "creative mode" any time this week, especially after a block of time on Tuesday afternoon that could have been story-writing time ended up being lay-on-the-couch-and-watch-tv-half-asleep time. But last night I finished class at 8 and - after stopping by to visit my boys at Guitar Center and getting some strings for Friday's recording session - I decided maybe Starbucks would be a good place to try to be creative. The first bit of good news was that my new Starbucks employee friend (see Wed. June 11) was there, and my drink was cheaper than normal (read: free). Then I settled in and started writing and everything that's been percolating around in my head for this story for the past couple weeks actually came out, and after going home and breaking for a couple phone calls, I finished it up...

The point of this is mostly just that it was nice to know I could find enough time and energy in the midst of a pretty crazy week to do one of the things that energizes me most. I like this week better than last week so far... and it only gets better, since I get to go record music tomorrow... sweet.

So today I did what's going to be my normal Monday thing... taught classes in the morning, drove down to church and did church stuff in the afternoon, drove back to Anderson for my 5:30-7:40 class. Then I had several things to do tonight (still do, actually, and posting this is not one of them!), so I was trying to prioritize and schedule the rest of my night... the first thing, on my way home, was to drop off a cd and charts to a guy who's going to start playing for our worship team at church. I often just drop stuff off in someone's mailbox, but I had told him and his wife that I'd be coming by, so I was planning on going in for a second, giving him the stuff, and getting on with the rest of my to-do list.

Instead, I was immediately invited to sit down and given a glass of water (I barely fought off dinner). We sat and talked for twenty minutes or so, and my whole mood changed. How novel... not just checking off the items on my list but connecting with people along the way and taking time to, um, talk! I love to talk about living that way, but I guess I don't actually practice that often enough.

Well... (nervous laugh)... there's a temptation a few hours after posting something like that last one to go back and change it or get rid of it all together, but for the sake of honesty, I'll keep it the way I meant it. We'll call that the PG-13 section of my blog. I'll try to keep it from R-rated territory...

After an intense afternoon like that, tonight was just what I needed... some other faculty members and I (ok, I admit, I probably kinda like the sound of "faculty member") went to an Indianapolis Indians baseball game. It was a good time getting to know them a little better (I'm especially excited that one of the guys, about my age, is going to play on my team for our church's 3-on-3 basketball tournament we're doing as a way to reach out to guys who don't go to church - the third member of our team is a student at the college, a 6'4" African-American guy named Prince who apparently was a star player in high school - yeah, we might be good) and it was also really great just to watch baseball and get soaked on the way in because it was raining. There were fireworks afterward and I enjoyed sitting there and watching explosions and fire and pretty lights... takes very little thought to appreciate that. Anyway, sorry if that last post freaked anybody out... I'm ok!

Caution: if you read this post, you may get a glimpse into the really ugly parts of my mind along with the divine.

I realized today what a shitty week this has been (I don't use that word lightly). Like I wrote about on Monday, I started out the week with good intentions, but didn't feel like I acted like a good person. I don't know if I even knew in the midst of it, but it snowballed from there. With very few little oases over the last few days, I let my frustration over my lack of free time translate into a WHOLE lot of selfishness. And I knew what was happening - I wanted to be pouring out love and truth to the people who I've been given to teach, I wanted to be that channel that just filters the love of God through me to those around me, I wanted to be a thankful, joyful follower of Christ... but I just felt empty and lonely and incapable of grasping what it means that God forgives me. I felt powerless to change the course of my thoughts and actions, and I hate that feeling.

Finally, I got done with my last class today, which thankfully ends at 1:00. On the way home I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one, knowing it wouldn't make me feel better but hoping somehow it would (it is somewhat relaxing! But the negatives just really outweigh any benefit, in my opinion). I got home and thought about napping, then fought a battle that I often fight when I feel lonely or empty, lust. But somehow in the middle of that something started to shift... like I mentioned in the last post, I've been involved in an online discussion that really boils down to church and worship and how those ought to be lived. I started to realize that I totally believe everything I was arguing, but the substance behind it seemed really distant to me. Jesus. Grace. Thank God I finally had a bit of free time - I started to read some things that in the past have brought me back to the heart of why we worship, and why the church exists, and why I struggle to follow a man who lived 2,000 years ago, and why I believe that man was God.

It was nothing that I hadn't known all week, but after all of the struggling I'd done all week to make my way back to God, for some reason He chose that moment to lift the fog around my head and heart and let the peace that He promised and the grace that He died for envelope me. Suddenly I started thinking about our upcoming worship service at Northeast, and studying the words of the songs we'll be worshipping with this week (especially the old hymn Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing), and I was thinking about the other elements that we'll ask people to experience and participate in, and I was just overflowing with energy and passion and longing for our church to give God heartfelt praise and receive His love and grace, and for believers and non-believers alike to realize their need for Christ and give themselves up as "living sacrifices." The ugliest parts of me that have been surfacing this week came face to face with the divine calling that God has placed on my life, and I realized that He was, in that moment, taking my ugly, broken week and redeeming it.

I don't normally do this kind of thing, but I'm involved in a fairly interesting discussion on a message board about one of my current favorite books, A New Kind of Christian, by Brian McLaren. I know that a lot of quarters of Christianity have problems with the "postmodern Christian movement," but this is my first time dealing with that.

We've had thunderstorm after thunderstorm here recently. In college, thunderstorms used to make me really homesick - I mean, in Kansas, we had THUNDERSTORMS! I remember one night at school I was up way too late working on a paper (of course) and got absolutely captivated when a storm blew up about 3 in the morning... I sat with the lights off and watched the lightning and felt the thunder gently shake the building.

I haven't been noticing thunderstorms as much recently, which kinda disappoints me. But tonight I was driving home and the sky decided to put on a light show that blew away any human-made special effect I've ever seen. This wasn't just lightning, this was a web of crisscrossed power angling through the black. I had to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road. It was definitely enough to get me to the place of awe I'd like to live from. Thanks God...

For anyone who cares, I changed the webcounter I was using... the old one was fine, but this one will be cooler. Ok, I'm probably the only one who cares about that...

This morning I actually got up early enough to 1) eat breakfast, and 2) spend some time praying, reading, etc... if you know my sleeping habits, you know that's not always the case! I left the house thinking that I was more prepared than normal to face the day, to be a good teacher, to care about people, to be a spiritual giant. And of course I spent the day feeling more self-centered, less energized, more insufficient than I have in the last week or so when I haven't started out the day the "right way." Anyone else ever notice that the days you do it right are the days you need to be most careful?

"Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song / The joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue / Thy free grace alone from the first to the last / Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast" - John Stocker

This is the town in which I teach... beautiful!!!

Man adds another arrest to his list of nearly 400

As of today, this shows the Kansas City Royals in first place. WHAT!? The same Kansas City Royals that I followed on my Smurf radio in 1985 (I was 5) when they won the World Series? And the same Royals who have been near or at the bottom of the AL Central since then? It could all change quickly, but for now - WHAT!?

ESPN.com - MLB - Standings

Very cool... a guy who's written a book on theology and also writes for ESPN.com's Page2 (one of my favorite reads)... definitely worth the time...

ESPN.com - Page2 - Divine intervention

Not going to whine about being busy, not going to whine about being busy...

Just did, didn't I?

I told myself when I took this full-time teaching job at the business college along with my part-time music director fun at my church and being in the middle of a recording project that I was going to be busy, and I'm choosing that for now, so I can't complain about it. I haven't stuck to that too well yet, so if anyone asks me how I am and I say "Busy, but good" or something like that - well, slap me. Everyone's busy - I can deal.

Ok, self-reprimanding over.

The thing is all of these things are great - I'm about done with my first week at the business college full-time, and I'm really enjoying the chance to meet all of these people and try to impact their lives in some positive way. It's a different feeling needing to be "on" all the time and being the one to whom people come for answers and guidance, but I think I can be that for people in this situation. It's humbling in a way, though - I realize how young I am and how much I have to learn and what a gift it is to be able to be a channel for God working in people's lives.

And church remains exciting - we have some new people coming and we're really challenging ourselves to reach out to the people around us. Evangelism - one of the big things I've learned in the last couple years is that I don't like thinking about evangelism in terms of "winning" someone to Christ. I almost want to apologize to anyone who's ever been burned because a Christian they know made them feel bad by acting like they were a war to win - something to be conquered. I think most people also don't want to have Jesus sold to them... all of our rational arguments and emotional exhortations about why someone should choose to become a Christian - they might work once in a while, but I think many people just get turned off. So if it's not a conquest, it's not a sales job, what is it? The best metaphor I've heard recently has it as a dance. I hear the music, maybe you don't, but we'll dance and you'll start to feel the rhythm and eventually (please God) you'll start to hear it yourself. So it's a relationship... Jesus didn't just preach to the masses, but he ate meals with individuals.

Ok, didn't mean to go off on that, but church is exciting because we're pursuing that vision, and we're putting a lot of energy and creativity into our services and praying that people would experience God's presence through us and learn to dance.

And then there's the whole recording thing... this past weekend was so exciting. We're getting a great deal on the studio time, and our engineer, David Karns, has an amazing ear. He's getting great sounds. We did mostly drums and bass this weekend, getting the rhythm tracks really solid. We also added some electronic this-and-that, and it sounds very cool. With such quality rhythm tracks down, I feel like the bar has been set pretty high - Nathan and I need to lay down quality guitar and keyboard and vocals to match it! One thing that will help me lay down good guitar stuff - my new electric! It's a Schecter that the guys at Guitar Center gave me a great deal on, and I love the sound and feel of it. I actually picked it over a lower end Les Paul that was in the same price range. Now, along with my Taylor and my amp, I feel like all of my basic equipment is at least good enough to lay down really good sounding stuff on an album.

Anyway, the album will have quite a variety of songs and styles, from folk rock to beautiful piano-driven songs (those would be Nathan's) to modern rock. The common thread is worship... even the one song that's not a "worship song" in the sense of being a song meant for people to sing collectively in a worship service - even that one ("Finish What You Started") has a chorus that to me is a cry out to God, like in the Psalms, asking him to come and fix what's broken, to "finish what You've started." I have at least a small tinge of negative reaction to doing a "worship album" in an age when seemingly every Christian band is doing a "worship album" and "worship" is a huge industry. But like I read in an interview the other day (I think it was with Derek Webb), if there is a reason for there to be a Christian music industry at all that's separate from the rest of the music industry, it's worship music.

Worship music has been a part of the Christian church since the beginning, and goes back all the way to the Psalms and the rest of the Old Testament. People have always felt compelled to express worship through songs, as music can express things that words alone never could. And if worship is truly arising from people experiencing God's love and beauty and truth in a myriad of different ways in their lives, then along with the old songs we know and love that remind us of who God is and what God will always be, we constantly need new songs to reflect the fresh ways God is drawing us to worship Him. And what's more, my own personal expressions of worship are unique from the ways anyone else would express their worship, but other people might resonate with the cries of my heart.

Alright, enough already... but those are some of the significant things filling my days and hours. There are other things, to be sure, but some things are probably better in a private journal than out in the open...